


One Wish - Miscellaneous Drabbles & One-Shots

by desiqtie



Series: One Wish [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Consensual Infidelity, Gen, Implied Relationships, Infidelity, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-03-13
Updated: 2008-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:00:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desiqtie/pseuds/desiqtie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles & One-Shots that will eventually either be added into OW as is or expanded then added in to the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strange Sortings

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically Maria's sorting and the sorting of her fellow first year students. I put this in as a one-shot to help explain why none of the characters in OW seem to be in the right house. Hopefully, it will also help explain why Maria has such an on-off, frosty relationship with her Mum. Oh, and the class list is from the HP Lexicon...
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize. Pretty much everything belongs to JKR. Also, there is mention of a certain situation involving Remus Lupin. I've seen the idea before, but seeing the idea in Jbern's story is what convinced me to use it in mine. I've asked for and received his permission to use it in my own story, so please don't send me messages, accusing me of plagiarism.
> 
> AN: This story needs, very badly, to be brit-picked. It's chock-full of Americanisms at the moment, for which I apologize. Unfortunately, I don't have a beta or brit-picker to help me out with any of my writing. If I ever get one (or two) I will definitely have them look this over and replace this version with an edited, brit-picked version. And finally, I suck at poetry which is why the sorting hat's song also, sucks.

 

* * *

**One Wish: Strange Sortings**

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts**

_August 30, 1991_

"Albus, I truly believe this whole House nonsense is beginning to get out of hand. Perhaps we should try not sorting students this year! It may help with that entire Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry problem. And you wouldn't even need me around, so I coul-"

"Hat, I am not going to let you leave school grounds. Stop trying to convince me to let you go. It is not going to happen until the consecutive three year period is over."

"Well, fine then." Grumbling, the irritated Sorting Hat waited until the Headmaster had left the office to go to the annual Hogwart's Staff meeting. "Let's see how the twinkly, old man likes this year's sorting!"

In protest, the Sorting Hat decided to sort the student's wherever he felt they could cause the most chaos rather than where they fit best based upon their character traits.

Meanwhile, Minerva McGonagall discussed the Sorting Hat's peculiar behavior with her boss.

"Albus, it just…worries me. The Hat has somehow managed to avoid the binding for the past 16 years. There has to be something we can do. You know how cruel the Hat can be!"

"I know, my dear Minerva, I know. But there is very little that can be done. The public would never allow for a new sorting system. After all, they revere the founders. Unfortunately, they have all forgotten, or chosen to ignore, the fact that all four founders were cruel and unforgiving taskmasters. And the hat, unfortunately, possesses the combined personalities of all four."

Both Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress exchanged pensive glances as they fretted over the chaos the Hat was undoubtedly planning to unleash.

* * *

_September 1, 1991_

The apprehensive first years filed into the Great Hall, gazing around in awe. Professor McGonagall set the scheming Sorting Hat down on top of an old four-legged stool and stepped away.

"I could have been on vacation,

But I can't go away.

By your headmaster's proclamation;

Apparently he's gay.

Well fine, I'll sort you,

And you'll go where I command,

If you don't like it,

Well that's just grand.

Gryffindor's are brave and bold,

But really I don't care.

Their virtues are extolled,

But really! I don't care!

Ravenclaw's, yeah they're smart.

Not this year. Maybe next.

Hufflepuff's, they have a heart!

Not this year. Maybe next.

Slytherins! Oh I do love them!

Anarchy and Chaos! Chaos and Anarchy!

It's clear how this will end,

I'm sure we all agree!

So, hurry it up.

Sit down under me.

What's the holdup?

Why so cranky?"

There was absolute dead silence in the Hall as everyone simply gaped at the ratty old Hat.

"Um. Albus?" Professor McGonagall turned to her boss, hoping for some guidance. He looked at the Hat, looked at her, looked back at the hat, and then shrugged. McGonagall frowned and muttered, "Great, thanks for the help." She pulled out the list of first years and began to call out names.

"Abbott, Hannah." Hannah gave the Deputy Headmistress an uncertain look, prompting an exasperated sigh from McGonagall. Then, McGonagall irritatdly commanded, "Sit on the stool, put the hat on your head, it will sort you into a house." Hannah gave a dubious glance toward the strange, ratty Hat, but went ahead and followed the Professor's directions. The rest of the students in the Hall watched as Hannah sat under the stool. At first, she seemed to be slightly surprised, but her expression changed to scandalized outrage within seconds. Finally, the hat yelled out, "Slytherin" and Hannah yanked the hat off her head and turned to McGonagall. McGonagall silently pointed to the Slytherin table, where the students had slowly begun to clap. Hannah practically ran to the table and jammed herself into the first seat available. This series of events repeated over and over as the spiteful, irritated Hat sorted the remaining first year students.

"Bones, Susan."

"Gryffindor!"

"Boot, Terry."

"Gryffindor!"

"Brocklehurst, Mandy."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Brown, Lavender."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Bulstrode, Millicent."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Zabini?"

"Is the Hat stuck?" Rather than answering, McGonagall simply sighed and continued calling names. Michael Corner went to Slytherin and Stephen Cornfoot became the first Hufflepuff.

"Crabbe, Vincent."

"Ravenclaw!"

"What?"

"Ravenclaw!"

"What?"

"Raven-"

"Enough! Mr. Crabbe, please take your seat." The bewildered boy lumbered over to the Slytherin table, but after some coaxing by various Slytherin and Ravenclaw students, he was finally guided over to the Ravenclaw table. The sorting, once again, continued.

"Davis, Tracey."

"Gryffindor!"

"Entwhistle, Kevin."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin."

"Slytherin!"

"Finnegan, Seamus."

"Ravenclaw!"

Sending Seamus Finnegan to Ravenclaw, caused the Hat to, once again, get 'stuck' on a house, Hufflepuff in this instance. Anthony Goldstein, Gregory Goyle, Hermione Granger, and Daphne Greengrass were all carted off to Hufflepuff, the latter three protesting the entire way. Wayne Hopkins, however, managed to convince the Hat to put him in Ravenclaw, rather than Hufflepuff. Megan Jones and Su Li were both placed into Gryffindor and then McGonagall called out the name of the young Longbottom heir.

"Longbottom, Neville." The frightened, pale boy did not appear to be comforted by the Hat's cackling and cajoling,

"Yes, yes! Come here Mr. Longbottom!"

"Is the Sorting Hat flirting with Neville?" Maria Potter's whisper was surprisingly loud in the silent Great Hall and most everyone turned to stare between Neville and the Hat in speculative horror.

"Mr. Longbottom, we don't have all day." At McGonagall's sharp command, Neville swallowed hard but placed the hat on his head. After some hemming and hawing, the Hat opened its mouth and drawled,

"Longbottom. Three words: grow a pair. I'm putting you in Gryffindor. Li and Jones can help you become a man." After the Hat's lewd words, it took some time for the staff to get the students settled down, but once they did, the sorting continued.

"McDougal, Morag."

"Hufflepuff!"

"MacMillan, Ernie."

"Ravenclaw!"

"Malfoy, Draco." Draco sauntered up to the hat and leisurely placed it upon his head, he knew that he would be placed into Slytherin.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"That's right, I'm a Sl-wait. What?"

"Gryffindor."

"Oh. I see." Malfoy nodded in understanding, then proceeded to swoon and crumple to the ground. No one attempted to catch him.

"Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall sighed and then motioned to Madame Pomfrey to take the boy to the infirmary.

"Moon, Lilavati."

"Slytherin!"

"Nott, Theodore."

"Gryffindor!" Theodore seemed to want to cry before he finally managed to get a hold of his fragile emotions and made his way to the Gryffindor table.

"Parkinson, Pansy."

"Hufflepuff!" Pansy contemplated protesting, but one glance at the Hat cured her of the thought. Both Patil Twins were sent to Slytherin and Sally-Ann Perks was made a Ravenclaw. Finally, it was Maria's turn to be sorted.

"Potter, Maria." Maria slowly made her way to the stool. She sat down and allowed McGonagall to place the ratty, black hat on top of her head. Although she was startled when the Hat's voice sounded in her head, she quickly clamped down on her emotions and forcibly schooled her expression to be utterly blank.

" _Well, out of all of the firsties I've sorted today…you, little girl, are the most fascinating. Tell me, can you figure out what reason I'm using to pick houses today?"_

" _Yes. At first, I thought Fred and George hexed you…since you kept staying on one house. Then, I thought maybe you were just feeling lazy and just calling out house names randomly. But when you put Malfoy in Gryffindor I realized you're just trying to cause drama. Malfoy's father is going to throw a huge tantrum. Well, a lot of parents are going to, but Lucius Malfoy's tantrums are really wild – my Daddy's told me about them."_

" _Mmm. Yes, I see that he has. He tells you absolutely everything, doesn't he?"_

" _He trusts me." Maria warily replied. The Hat laughed in response, an obvious cruel tinge to its laughter. "What's so funny?"_

" _You are quite like him. He was a challenge to sort as well - such a fascinating combination of all four houses. Then and now, your father_ _ **was**_ _and_ _ **is**_ _sly and secretive – and not only when it comes to his beloved pranks. Brave as well, Godric would have loved him. Intelligent, of course, as I'm sure you know." Maria didn't respond as the Hat continued, "I considered Hufflepuff first, though. Such loyalty!"_

" _Why didn't you put him in Hufflepuff?"_

" _For the same reason I won't put you into Hufflepuff. Both of you, are only loyal to a small, select few, only hard-working when you wish, and only if it benefits you. I seel you don't believe me. Alright, little girl, if someone captured both your parents and told you to pick one to save…who would you choose?"_

" _That's-I can't. It's an impossible question…"_

_Maliciously, the hat goaded the somewhat-innocent child, "I promise I won't tell anyone your answer; it'll be our little secret."_

" _I-my father. I would save Daddy."_

" _A proper Hufflepuff would say 'I would save them both and sacrifice myself'. Then there is the matter of honor. Honor is important to Gryffindor's as well as bravery. I've already discussed his bravery, but your_ _father's honor was what allowed him into Gryffindor."_

" _I don't understand."_

" _Surely you've noticed your father's distant behavior towards one Remus Lupin? Your mother is a Muggleborn and your parents married out of love, but your parents' marriage is no different from the typical arranged, pureblood marriage – separate bedrooms and separate lives. Ever wonder why?"_

" _Yes, but I don't understand what this has to do with…"_

_The hat abruptly interrupted, "Answer my questions and I'll answer yours."_

" _I asked Mum about it once, but she told me to never mention it again."_

" _She would. Your darling mother was put into Gryffindor because she didn't fit into any other house. Too much Muggle in her blood for Slytherin, too little loyalty for Hufflepuff, and not nearly enough of a hard-on for learning, so no Ravenclaw. That and she's not nearly intelligent enough."  
Furiously, Maria retorted, "My Mum is plenty intelligent."_

" _Mm. Intelligent enough to know that bagging pureblood James Potter would be more useful for someone of her heritage than bagging, say, halfblood Severus Snape." Maria's horrified gasp didn't deter the Hat, rather it seemed to encourage him. "Oh are you surprised? I suppose despite his normal candor, even your father wants to spare you from some of the painful truth." Seeing that Maria was silent in shock, the Hat continued delightedly, "Your dear Mum is an ambitious, self-serving, manipulative bitch. You share those traits with her – but your father's influence has made you much more charming than she could ever hope to be. Now, that I have you terribly shocked and confused, how about I answer some of your questions. Hrm, let's see. First, your mother. Lily Potter nee Evans loves herself above all, she tolerated Severus Snape prior to Hogwarts because it allowed her to learn about the magical world. Then, after joining the magical world she continued the friendship because of his high grades and wizarding contacts; whenever she needed something she turned to him – his Slytherin contacts allowed him to provide her with whatever she wished. Unfortunately for Snape, Evans did some research in preparation for choosing her career in her fifth year. Her research helped her to realize that as a Muggleborn her best bet at getting the career of her dreams required marriage into a well-established, wealthy pureblood family."_

" _But my grandparents…I'm fullblood so I mean Mum's not really Muggleborn."_

" _Don't act naïve. You are aware that she is considered Muggleborn by all who matter. Your father's blood is extremely strong in you – it's obvious from first glance. Combine that with the way he raised you, and you are for all intents and purposes considered a pureblood by most, if not all, of those who matter. Your official fullblood status is ignored." When Maria didn't protest, the Hat, once again, continued, "Anyways, once your mother realized she needed a pureblood husband she spent the next year and a half 'trying out' possible candidates. She picked your father halfway through their sixth year. I won't go into all the sordid details at the moment…your sorting will be extremely long as it is, no need to prolong it even further with unimportant details. If you are truly curious, visit me in Dumbledore's office and I'll explain every tiny detail."_

" _No thanks."_

" _Mm, your loss. Well, moving onto the second issue: Remus Lupin, werewolf, Marauder, and all-around terrible friend." The Hat paused, waiting to see if Maria would defend the man. But Maria had seen the strained relationship between her father and Lupin and she quietly waited for the Hat's explanation. "Well, little girl, you're learning. So, Remus Lupin. Your father is a loyal friend. He did a lot for Lupin; more than even Lupin's own family. And how did Lupin repay him? Well, four years after you were born…James came home early – to surprise his wife and beloved daughter - and what does he find but his best friend Remus in bed with his wife, again."_

_Maria gasped in dismay, she knew, as the hat did, that her parent's relationship was a mess. They hadn't even slept in the same room since she was four – Maria finally knew why. Then, in confusion, she asked, "Again?"_

_Numb, she listened without dispute as the Hat gleefully continued, "Lupin and your Mother have been lovers since two months after you were born, but now let's move on to the third issue: James Potter. Your very honorable and very loyal father. Someone with less honor would have thrown Evans out into the street. Someone with less loyalty would have had Lupin arrested and thrown into Azkaban – after all, Lupin's a werewolf and he slept with a pureblood heir's wife, it wouldn't even be a challenge."_

" _Daddy's got a terrible temper. His loyalty to Remus and my-my Mum wouldn't be enough…"_

" _It wasn't his loyalty to them that stopped him. It was his loyalty to you. If he'd thrown your mother into the street – she would have ended up as little more than a whore in the eyes of the public and you would have lost all social standing. Besides, your mother isn't a completely terrible person – she just simply loves herself best, and everyone else second best. It's a trait you share with her. The only difference is that in your case you love yourself, your father, and Sirius Black best, and most everyone else third best. As for Remus Lupin, well, the werewolf is, distantly, a Potter. Your father's third cousin, once removed, in fact."_

" _Things like this are supposed to be kept within the family." Maria replied in understanding._

" _Exactly. His honorable nature is quite impressive as well – any other man would flaunt his mistresses. James makes it a point to be discreet in his…affairs. Of course, it helps that he can confide in you."_

" _I don't know what you mean."_

" _I can read your mind, little girl. Your father doesn't even trust Evans with the vault keys. He confides his problems in you or Black. He cannot confide in anyone else – you are, after all, the only female he trusts._

" _Grandmother-"_

" _Your grandmother would slit Evans' throat if she knew the truth. She is a Black by birth – once she finished with Evans, she would skin Lupin alive and use his pelt as a doormat. No, James trusts you with almost all his secrets. Actually, you should be thanking me on bended knees. Now that you know all the sordid details – he will trust you with all his secrets."_

_Stunned and overwhelmed, Maria asked, "How do you know all of this?"_

" _Your father and I have had a deal since he was 15 – he chats with me and smuggles me out of the castle once every three years. In exchange, I provide him with a great deal of information about many of the wizarding world's most powerful people... After all, I get to read the minds of everyone's heirs – legitimate and illegitimate."_

" _Why?"_

" _If I stay in the castle for three years in a row – without leaving the grounds at all – I will be bound to the Headmaster's will. As long as I leave once, I am able to sort the students wherever I wish, for whatever reason I wish. As for your father, he is clever and ambitious for sure, but without my information he would never be as successful as he is." The hat smirked, "Mmmm, now that I have dragged your sorting on for half an hour and gone completely off-track, would you like to be assigned a house?"_

" _I-what? Oh. Sorted, yes, please."_

" _Well, little girl, it isn't difficult at all to decide where to put you. Lucky for you, the place you will cause the most chaos is also the place you fit in best. Little girl, you were born for Slytherin – someone with this much ambition could belong to only one house."_

_Slyly, Maria asked, "You think I'm ambitious?"_

_The Hat scoffed and retorted, "You've already begun finalizing your plans for revenge on your mother and Lupin…of course you're ambitious."_

Maria removed the hat and demurely made her way to the Slytherin table. The sorting continued once she was seated, with Rivers and Smith becoming Slytherins, Roper the last Ravenclaw, and Runcorn and Turpin both becoming Gryffindors. Spinks and Dean Thomas went to Hufflepuff and then it was Ronald Weasley's turn.

"Weasley, Ronald." Ron slowly walked up to the stool, one look at the leering Sorting Hat and all his Weasley courage left him. Pale and shaking, the final Weasley son sat down on the stool and placed the Hat on his head. There was a pause, then-

"Slytherin!" Still pale and shaking, Ron quietly took the hat off his head and handed it to McGonagall. He took one step toward the Slytherin table before collapsing in a dead faint. Sighing, Madame Pomfrey stepped forward and carted him off to the Hospital Wing.

The final student, Blaise Zabini was, to his eternal horror, sorted into Hufflepuff. Finally, the most traumatic sorting ever was finished.

Silence reigned in the Great Hall until simultaneously everyone begin to protest. Dumbledore attempted to speak over the shouting students and staff, but finally had to resort to a silencing charm.

"If all of the students would please wait, the staff and I will discuss the situation with the Sorting Hat and see if we can come to an adequate compromise. In the meantime, please take this time to get to know your fellow students." Dumbledore motioned to the House Heads and the group made their way into a side room attached to the Great Hall.

Safely away from the students' sight, Dumbledore turned to the Sorting Hat, "Hat! Y-You…WHAT DID YOU DO?" Horrified Albus Dumbledore stared at the Sorting Hat. When the Hat only smirked in response, he sighed and asked, "If I let you go on vacation…will you re-sort the first years, properly this time?"

"Re-sort? Never! Who needs a vacation! I plan to be here to watch all the lovely chaos that happens in the next seven years! This is my best work ever!" The Hogwart's Staff watched in stupefied shock as the Sorting Hat proceeded to break out into evil, cackling laughter.

"Headmaster?"

"What is it Filius?"

"I wish to tender my resignation…effective immediately."

"Me too!"

"And me!"

The Hufflepuff Head of House was first to jump on the early retirement bandwagon, but the Slytherin Head of House, wisely, was right behind her.

"Can I just quit?" Even the Gryffindor Head of House didn't have enough courage to face the next seven years.

"NO! If I have to suffer through the next seven years, then so do the rest of you!" Grumbling and whining the heads of houses returned to the Great Hall. The confused and horrified students quieted when Dumbledore walked in. "Well, we've had an exciting day today, so once you have all finished your dinners, the prefects will escort you all to your dorms." He then turned around and started to walk out of the Great Hall, intending to hide in his office for the foreseeable future.

"Wait! Professor Dumbledore! What about the first-years? A Weasley in Slytherin? A Malfoy in Gryffindor? A Crabbe in Ravenclaw? Was the Sorting Hat drunk? Aren't they going to be re-sorted…or something?" No one had ever seen Fred Weasley quite so serious or horrified before.

"Yes, well, the Sorting Hat has refused to, uh, re-sort any of the first years." Dumbledore attempted to give Fred a grandfatherly smile; he failed. "I am sure everyone has been placed into the house they are best suited for. In any case, you must all be very hungry after all the excitement of the sorting." Dumbledore clapped his hands, and as soon as the food appeared on the House tables, he ran to hide in his office.

_September 1st – 5th, 1991_

Reactions in the days after the strangest sorting in many years were varied, but generally varied somewhere between amusing and explosive:

**Draco Malfoy - Gryffindor**

"My Father...fuck."

**Neville Longbottom - Gryffindor**

"Dad is so disappointed. He wanted me to be a Hufflepuff like him. He's going to send Prof. Dumbledore a strongly worded letter."

**Ronald Weasley - Slytherin**

"I told my parents that the Sorting Hat was drunk. They didn't believe me. Then I told them that Malfoy was a Gryffindor. Mum's howler scolding Dumbledore for letting the Hat drink and sort should be here by dinner."

**Maria Potter - Slytherin**

"I already warned Peter to get Daddy and Sirius really, really drunk before he tells them. And to take away their wands. And to hide the Floo powder. And the sharp objects."

 


	2. First Fight

**019\. First Fight**

"Let go of me." She struggled to free her arm as Sirius roughly dragged her out of the Muggle club. "Ow, Sirius, you're hurting me."

"Shut up." Sirius was clearly furious, struggling to control his formidable temper.

Of course, Maria's anger was just as fierce and Sirius' callous – and undeserved (in her mind) – behavior was rousing every bit of her temper. "Tell you what Sirius. How about you get the HELL off of me and then maybe I'll consider shutting up."

Sirius forcefully spun her around and asked, "Why, WHY would you go to a place like this? Do you have any idea the kind of people-?"

Maria rudely interrupted, "Why would I go to a place, like what? A club? Everyone my age goes clubbing, so I decided to go with Dudley and his friends. Why is this a big deal? You go to pubs all the time. It's okay for you to do it, but not me? What-because I'm a girl? Where do you get off acting like this? You haven't even talked to me in a month just because I went and told Orion and Walburga about the crap McKinnon was shoveling with her so-called tell-all."

Sirius scoffed and ignored Maria's remarks about his ex-girlfriend, "You have no idea what goes on in places like this. You are too young and too innocent…"

"Too young? Too innocent? I'm only three years younger than your last girlfriend, Sirius Black. I've faced Voldemort more times than anyone but Dumbledore. Twice as many times as you, in fact. How much more do I have to see before I'm allowed to have a normal life? It's okay for everyone else to have fun, but when I try to-"

"Well, maybe if you weren't so determined to behave like a two-bit whore and a complete slag-"

SMACK

Silently, Sirius and Maria stared at each other. Sirius' cheek slowly reddened from the force of her blow, but he made no sign to show the pain he obviously felt. Maria's arm was still raised, poised to slap Sirius a second time. Chest heaving, Maria clenched her hands into fists, nails digging into her palms, as she angrily hissed, "Fuck you. You are not my father. You are not my brother. You are certainly not my boyfriend. You are not part of my family and you are definitely not acting like a friend. You have absolutely NO right to treat me like this. You have no say in what I do. You have no GODDAMN right!"

Enraged, he spat, "I have no right? I'm not part of your family?"  
"No. You're not."

Stunned, Sirius didn't say a word. Then, his mouth twisted with rage and he retorted, "Fine. Go ahead and give all of those men a good time. Act like a fucking slut. What the hell do I care?" Sneering, he quietly hissed, "Actually, how about we make a deal, I'll stay out of your life and you stay out of mine. In fact, next time you feel the urge to go and talk to my parents about McKinnon's bullshit, shut your fucking mouth and mind your own bloody business." He spun around and quickly slipped into the alley. A sharp crack echoed confirming he really had just left her there.

Quietly, Maria also made her way to the alley, once she was concealed from the Muggles, she too apparated away.

Upon arriving to her summer hideaway at the silent Dursley residence, Maria climbed silently up the stairs to the guest room she was staying in. Displayed prominently on her bedside table was a picture of her and Sirius, arms wrapped around each other, laughing hysterically. She gently picked the picture up and brushed a thumb over Sirius' face in the picture. Then, she raised her arm and hurled the picture at the wall. It shattered into pieces, just as Maria collapsed to the ground, sobbing.


	3. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> girl!Harry's teammates don't approve of her first 'real' boyfriend. Her father is more concerned by the distinction between 'real' boyfriends and 'fake' ones. Note: Contains girl!Harry & alive Marauders.

**Title:**  017. First Date  
 **Author/Artist:** desiqtie  
 **Fandom/Pairing/Prompt:**  Harry Potter, implied girl!Harry/boring male character of your choice, First Date  
 **Rating:**  PG  
 **Disclaimer:**  Not mine. JKR owns all.  
 **Beta:**  No Beta, but if you want to volunteer, I'd be grateful!

* * *

"You have to do something James!" Terrence Higgs pleaded with his surrogate sister's father.  
Adrian Pucey chimed in with his agreement, "Yes, please, James. He's quite possibly the most boring guy alive!"  
"She can't date him! Honestly, if Binns was alive…and could get a girl pregnant…he would be Binns' kid! That's how boring he is."  
Marcus walked in and joined the group slouched around the kitchen table. "What are we talking about?"  
"We were telling Mr. P about Boring McBoring and how he wants to date Maria," Bole glumly explained.  
Marcus frowned and heatedly replied, "Oh. Yeah. Him. Ugh, I swear out of all her snogging buddies, he's the worst! So boooooring…"  
"Snogging Buddies?" James' horrified and stunned tone of voice caused a sudden silence.  
"Uh oh."  
"Oops."  
"Nice one, Flint."  
"Um, well actually Mr. Potter…"  
"My daughter – my little, innocent, baby girl…has a-a SNOGGING BUDDY?" James outraged yell echoed through the house, drawing Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Lily to the family room from various other areas.  
They exchanged speculative glances as Maria's teammates struggled to explain, "Uh, no sir. She has multiple snogging buddies."  
Seeing James' face turn purple with rage, Terrence hastened to reassure the angry father, "She doesn't want him to be just a snogging partner though; Maria actually wants to date this guy."  
Bole chose this moment to chime in with his own opinion, "It's weird because he's so boring plus she usually only likes Quidditch players. I never thought her first real date would be with the most boring guy on the planet!"

 


	4. Naughty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this for Sirius100's Naughty challenge...it actually could tie into this series that I've been working on which stars a girl!Harry. Changed it slightly from the original drabblet which was about 100 words plus a few.  
> P.S. I don't own anything you recognize...that all belongs to the lucky J.K. Rowling and company.

Title: Naughty, Dirty Sex?

Challenge: Naughty  
Word Count: 123.  
Rating: PG (for innuendo)

Characters: Sirius, girl!Harry: aka Maria Jamie Potter (at least in my world), James

* * *

"So, then he leans over and he goes, 'Baby, I wanna try something new...but...it's a bit, uh, naughty." At first, Sirius just stares at her. Then,

"Wow. You win. THAT was the worst bad sex story ever. EVER!"

"I know! I mean who says that? Naughty? Really, he could at least have said...he wanted to try something, I dunno, dirty? I mean-"

"Sirius. Why are you discussing dirty sex with my daughter?"

"James! Um. Technically we were talking about...naughty sex, which is you know...not as bad...clearly." Quietly, "Damnit woman. You always get me into trouble."

Maria tilted her head to the left, and with a wicked grin, whispered back, "You know you like it Siri. You're naughty."

* * *

I hope you liked it, its been a very long time since I posted anything, but I hope I continue to get to time to write some new stuff. I would love to read some reviews so please if you have time let me know what you think.

 


	5. Rome

**023\. Rome**

Coughing harshly, a fit, older man and a much younger woman stumbled out of a crowded pub.

Laughing, the woman turned to her companion and smirking, asked, "Wow. So, I'm guessing we're in the Lazio side of town and not the Roma part?"

Struggling to catch his breath, the dark-haired man pointed harshly at the green-eyed woman, "You! Holy crap. Maria, what is wrong with you? We barely escaped with our lives just now! Hell, if we weren't magical we'd have been stabbed and gutted in there! I cannot believe you wore your Roma shirt into there!"

"Aww, but Sirius, you were so cute trying to beat up those guys who tried to touch me!"

Open-mouthed, Sirius just stared. Then, "You've gone round the bend, woman. I don't know why I put up with you."

"Aw baby, don't stress. I'm gorgeous. And very flexible. And I  **always**  love to experiment, remember?" With each 'and', Maria moved closer and closer, until she was pressed right up against her lover. "Besides, I thought you loved it when I act like a  _nasty,_  little tart.

A sigh. "Yeahhh."

Maria snickered and poked him in the stomach, then at the subsequent pout, cajoled, "I thought you were going to take me to see the Colosseum? And the Trevi Fountain? And Vatican City?"

"Wow. You really are into this whole tourist-y, muggle-style, Italy vacation, yeah?" Raising an eyebrow, Sirius asked in amusement.

Practically bouncing on her toes, Maria licked her way up his neck to his ear, whispering her plans for the rest of their vacation in Sirius' ear.

Swallowing hard, Sirius turned her so that she was trapped between the brick wall and his own hard body. Taking her hands in his and holding them above her body, he ground into her and quickly apparated both of them directly to the cottage they were staying at. Arriving at the lake-side cottage, it took Sirius mere seconds to have Maria flat on the giant bed as he rapidly stripped off her clothes, accompanied by the soundtrack of her laughter.

 


	6. Breakfast

Sirry Drabble Series: Breakfast

**Word Count:**  133.  
 **Rating:**  PG (for innuendo)  
 **Characters/Pairings:**  Sirius/girl!Harry, James, Lily, Alice L, Frank L, Remus  
 **A/N:**  This like most of my one shots could tie into my One Wish series, which stars a girl!Harry, but isn't necessarily part of the series.  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything you recognize...that all belongs to the lucky J.K. Rowling and company.

* * *

"Jamie sweetheart, what do you want for breakfast?"

"I dunno."

"Sweetie, it's your birthday, which means you get to pick all the meals today."

"I know Mum. But I dunno what I want to eat."

Always practical, Alice quietly asks, "Well, what do you usually eat for breakfast?"

"Sirius."

Dead silence ensues. James and Lily simultaneously tilt their heads to stare up at the ceiling...clearly asking a higher power to erase their daughter's reply from their minds. Based on their expressions, Severus, Remus, Frank, and Alice's mental states are not much better then James and Lily's.

Obviously traumatized, James replies, "On the top ten list of 'Things A Father Should Never Know About His Daughter's Relationship With His Best Friend,' that was probably number one."

Both Sirius and Jamie simply grin in reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please review!


	7. Elements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The best prank I ever pulled?" Note: Contains girl!Harry and alive Marauders!

**Title:**  001. Elements  
 **Author/Artist:**  desiqtie  
 **Fandom/Pairing/Prompt:**  Harry Potter, no pairing, Elements  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Disclaimer:**  I don't own it. JKR does.  
 **Beta:**  Not betaed (sorry!)

* * *

"The best prank I ever pulled? Hmm. Oh. I know. Well the best prank I ever pulled was actually a revenge prank."  
"Revenge for what?"  
"Remember how I dated Viktor Krum for a little while? Well, a few months after the Yule Ball we broke up. Officially, we decided we were better off as friends."  
"And unofficially?"  
"Unofficially, Sirius and Dad scared him off."  
"Aw that's so cute."  
"It really wasn't. They were so overprotective!"  
"So, what was the prank?"  
"I convinced Dad that Sirius had gotten me pregnant..."  
"But you were fourteen then!"  
"Yeah." Maria grinned wickedly.  
"So, how did your dad react?"  
Just as she was about to continue the story, James walked in and interrupted, "I set Sirius on fire."  
"WHAT?!"  
Sirius pouted and explained, "We were outside when she said it…so James started throwing all these hexes at me. At first I was fending him off pretty well. Then, he actually managed to disarm me, so I was throwing sticks off of the ground at him, to distract him, while I tried to get my wand."  
Smirking, Maria broke in, "Then Dad got irritated with all the sticks, branches, and bits of earth being thrown at him and he conjured up this tornado thing to suck them all up and away. But Dad was so pissed off that he lost control of the magic…" She broke off laughing, unable to continue the story.  
Sirius groaned as James smiled evilly, "Well, you know the lake next to the Pitch? Since Sirius was trying to avoid getting sucked up into the mad tornado/stick monster thing, he didn't really pay attention to where he was. He fell in and was completely soaked through…"  
"Okaaay…but the fire?"  
Sighing, Sirius continued the story, as the rest who knew were too busy laughing. "At that point, Maria FINALLY decided to tell James it was a prank. He apologized…and then he tried to use a drying charm to dry me off. Unfortunately – for my poor, beautiful, luscious hair – he was still irritated, and the charm ended up being too strong."  
An awed gasp, "You mean…"  
"Yeah. Sirius' hair caught on fire…and then they drenched him in water to stop it, but it was too late. Sirius spent two months completely bald. It was hilarious."  
Through breathless laughter, Hermione asked, "Why not use a potion or charm?"  
Sirius let out a horrified moan, but Parvati interrupted to explain, "Using a potion or charm is a quick-fix, in order to have really beautiful, luscious, healthy hair you have to grow it out naturally."

 


	8. Nervous

**013\. Nervous**

_One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine._

_One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine._

Sirius paced figure eights in the hall. Nine counts times two equaled one full circuit.

_One Two Thre-_  Sirius paused as James reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Relax, Sirius."

Sirius looked over at his best friend, panicked, "What if she says no?"

James good naturedly rolled his eyes and, for the hundredth time, replied, "She won't. Maria's as much in love with you as you are with her. Calm down. Otherwise she's going to get freaked out by your behavior."

Sirius abruptly nodded. "Right. Calm. Think Calm. Okay. I'm calm. Really. Do I seem calm? Oh Merlin, I'm not calm…"

"SIRIUS!" Sirius yelped as James smacked him across the head. "Just, relaaax. You are going to take her out…like you planned. You are going to have a nice, romantic evening…like you planned. Then, when she's all wined and dined and in a good mood…like you planned…you are going to ask her to-"

At the sound of footsteps, James broke off and both he and Sirius turned to face the staircase. Maria was a vision in silky, emerald robes with silver embroidery. Her jewelry and makeup were both sparse, emphasizing her natural beauty.

Wild-eyed, Sirius hissed to James, "I can't wait. I have to ask her now."

James nervously hissed back, "Are you insane. This is not the proper location or the proper moment. Stick to the plan, you idiot!"

"What are you two whispering about?"

Sirius grimaced, but quickly rearranged his expression into a loving smile, "We were just trying to figure out how you get even more beautiful every time we see you."

Maria raised an eyebrow, a disbelieving expression plaster across her face. "I'm sure." She crossed her arms and stared at the two, waiting to see which of the two would crack first.

James stared impassively back at her, but Sirius became visibly more and more nervous. Finally, he cracked, unable to bear the pressure, and burst out with his question, "Can we skip Ginny's wedding next week? It's just that we can't stand Molly. She's just irritating and a busy-body and judgmental and accusing me of corrupting you a-and can we pleaaase not go? I know you promised Ginny we'd go…but can't you make an excuse up or something? Please! Pretty Please? With…with chocolate-covered-chocolate on top!"

James groaned and shook his head in dismay at Sirius' impatience, sure that Maria would say no. At first, she simply stared at the two. Then her lip twitched; suddenly she threw her head back and broke into hysterical laughter.

Wide-eyed James turned to Sirius, pointed at him accusingly, and said, "I think you broke my daughter."

 

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This whole one-shot actually started because my friend tried to do laundry while drunk and ended up turning all of her clothing brownish green. (Friends don't let friends drink and do laundry!)
> 
> Did you hate it? Did you like it? Please review and let me know what you thought!


End file.
